


at least i got you in my head

by luminoussbeings



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Social Anxiety, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, i mean i assume so idk what the drinking age is on coruscant but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 03:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10868232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminoussbeings/pseuds/luminoussbeings
Summary: Ahsoka narrows her eyes. “No, there’s something more, I can tell. Barriss, you’re mybest friend. You know you can tell me everything, right?”Barriss bites back a laugh. She imagines how that would go, if she actually told her best friendeverything.





	at least i got you in my head

“...so there I am, robes on fire, a droid head still blabbering on in my arms, and _that’s_ when I said, ‘Master, if you wanted a padawan who actually thinks things through, then why didn’t you take Madame Jocasta?’” Ahsoka finishes, grinning as the group erupts into laughter. Myra’s wheezing so hard that she has to sit down, and Barriss thinks that Nadhar might actually be crying, although it could just be the watery Mon Cal eyes.

_Barriss shakes her head and throws her arms around Ahsoka, pressing a sloppy kiss to the edge of her lips. “You’re not forgetting about my part, are you?” she murmurs, her lips wet against Ahsoka’s cheek, feeling her shiver against her skin._

Barriss laughs politely, avoiding Ahsoka’s eyes, hoping desperately that she won’t— too late. Ahsoka stands up, swaying a little bit, and grabs Barriss’s hands, pulling her up next to her and slinging an arm around her shoulder, ignoring her whispered protests.  “And hey— I couldn’t’ve done it without _you_!” Ahsoka cries, raising her flask as a few padawans drunkenly cheer. “To Barriss, for putting out the fire and probably saving my life!”

“To Barriss!” The group echoes.

 _“Barriss,_ please _, as if I could forget how you_ saved my life, _” she grins and raises her flask. “To my amazing, beautiful, lifesaving girlfriend!”_

Barriss smiles weakly. The group’s still watching her expectantly, probably waiting for her to launch into some witty banter like all Ahsoka’s other friends. A bead of sweat trickles down the back of her neck. _Definitely_ saving your life; that’d be a good comeback. Or would it? Is it too confident? Her head starts to pound, the din of the crowd suddenly earsplitting. “ _Definitely_ saving your life,” she says.

“What’s that?” Ahsoka asks, so close that Barriss can feel the heat of her breath against her skin. She glances around; no one else even heard her.

_“You flatter me,” Barriss smirks, so close she can feel Ahsoka’s breathing hitch._

_“Now, what do you say we head back to your room and I ‘flatter you’ some more? Ahsoka says, running a finger up Barriss’s side and sending shivers down her spine._

Something twists in Barriss’s stomach. “Nothing,” she says, pulling free from Ahsoka’s arm and fixing her headscarf. She forces herself to take a deep breath, but it’s no use; too many people, too _close_ , too _loud_ — “I— I should go,” she says, training her eyes to the ground and retreating as quickly as she can without making it look obvious that she’s running away.

Even if that’s exactly what she’s doing.

“Barriss, _wait!_ ” Ahsoka calls, but Barriss doesn’t turn, doesn’t speak, doesn’t _breathe_ until she makes it to her chamber, collapsing down onto her bedroll. She hugs her knees to her chest, her body slowly relaxing now that she’s alone.

 _Alone_. Barriss laughs bitterly. She spends half her waking hours wallowing in loneliness-induced self-pity, and then as soon as she gets a chance to finally do something about it, she runs away. Like the coward she is.

She feels footsteps pounding down the hall, stopping a few feet away from her door. She sighs, closing her eyes and tilting her head back to meet the cool duracrete of the wall. She doesn’t have the energy for this, not _tonight_.

“Barriss?” Despite being muffled by the door, the concern in Ahsoka’s voice is kyber clear. Barriss’s fingers shake slightly, but she pulls herself together and forces on a neutral expression as the other girl enters. The last thing she wants is Ahsoka’s pity.

Without a word, Ahsoka plops herself down next to Barriss and grabs her hand, swinging it back and forth between them absentmindedly. “That was some party, huh?”

Barriss pulls her hand away.

 _She pulls Ahsoka through the door, using the force to shut it behind them. She miscalculates, slamming it shut with a loud_ bang _, and they fall to the ground, giggling wildly._

Ahsoka tries again. “I mean, did you see Nadhar’s face when I was talking about you? He’s _totally_ into you,” she says, punching Barriss playfully on the arm and grinning.

Barriss reciprocates with a thin smile.

Ahsoka takes a deep breath, finally dropping the over-cheerful act. “Okay. I’ve tried to be patient and give you space. But it’s been _weeks_ and you’re _still_ acting weird around me—are you mad at me? Is it because of the booze? Look, I should have realized it makes you uncomfortable, and you’re right, it’s—”

“It’s not that,” Barriss cuts her off. “I could care less what you drink, and I’m not mad at you. I’m just— tired, that’s all.”

Ahsoka narrows her eyes. “No, there’s something more. I can tell. Barriss, you’re my _best friend_. You know you can tell me everything, right?”

Barriss bites back a laugh. She imagines how that would go, if she actually told her best friend _everything_. If Ahsoka knew that the reason she hates for her to touch her is it hurts too much, to be so close yet so _desperately_ far from what she desires most. If she knew that Ahsoka’s smile sends daggers into her chest; her laugh, acid in her veins; the curve of her lips, a blade to her heart.

_Barriss kisses Ahsoka, fiercely and desperately like she needs her to survive. Ahsoka’s hands run over Barriss’s body and she gasps as they fall back down, Ahsoka panting with her back against the floor and Barriss’s eyes glinting wildly above her. Ahsoka grabs her by the robes and pulls her down till their lips meet. She works her fingers through Barriss’s hair, feeling the rumble of her moan through her chest, so close, their bodies tangled and faces flushed and lips wet and hearts open._

She imagines herself spilling all this to Ahsoka. She imagines the disgust in Ahsoka’s face, matched only by the revulsion Barriss holds for herself, for what she is.

_“I love you,” she murmurs, her lips brushing Ahsoka’s cheek._

Ahsoka was wrong. She can’t tell her everything. She never will.

 _Ahsoka doesn’t respond. When she looks up,_ the room is empty.

She’s alone.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by hayley kiyoko's sleepover


End file.
